Women in general are all afraid of becoming old. After a certain age of waking up every morning and taking a look in the mirror, some women start to realise that those lines on their face are not the ones they see when they frown.

This is obviously a terrible feeling, because women do not want to admit that they are starting to get old. Men on the other hand do not care that much about wrinkles and fine lines like women do.

They immediatly start looking for a solution and do not always think things through. I am talking about solutions like facial injections, chemical peels, etc. I am sure that a woman is reading this article now and I am sure you know what I am talking about when it comes to making a wrong decision about wrinkle treatments. You buy a expensive wrinkle cream or go for some sort of injection and you realise that your wrinkles come back after a while.

Ladies…you have to realise something, wrinkles are inevitable. They WILL be there at some point in time in your life. There is nothing you can do to completely stop them.

When you get old your skin’s elasticity will become much less firmer then how it was during your teenage years. And to make it worse, today’s wrinkle cream products attempt to sell themselves as “wrinkle vanishers”. No wrinkle cream can permanently remove wrinkles. As I said earlier, wrinkles will come, but it’s up to you how long they stay there.

For the last 2 months I have been trying to find the best solution for women with wrinkle problems. It was a big struggle, that much I can tell you. There are a lot of wrinkle cream products on the market that sell like crazy and most of them are extremely expensive. The question is…which one of those products work? Well, most of them work. They really do work, but choosing the right one to suite your pocket is difficult. Remember, once you start using a wrinkle cream and you see results, you have to keep using it to keep the wrinkles at bay. Once you stop, they will come back. This can eat your money like a pacman.

Try to find a wrinkle cream that delivers moderate success. It should also suite your pocket. When you realise that it does deliver some wrinkle reduction, you can always buy a stronger wrinkle cream product and could save money, because you didn’t spend all that money in the beginning. Or you could keep using it and wait until a new product hits the market, call up the manufacturer and ask them if it is possible if they can send you a sample of the product. In most cases the manufacturers will send you much more than you need, because they produce in mass and won’t go through the hassle of only shipping one bottle of the product.

So I ask you nicely…

Please be safe when it comes to the extreme measures of wrinkle treatments(those I mentioned above).

Escorts in the capital city of the UK are sensational and delightful and have a high education making them fine companions as well as wonderful lovers. The working girls in London are typically more expensive than anywhere else like Leeds, the reason for this is the working girls tend to be of a better class.

Escorts have been made famous with the television show Secret Diary with the beautiful Billie Piper. In the television show the call girl is made out to be glamorous and rich and always looking delightful. Secret Diary is a top rated series in the United Kingdom and many guys have seen it and have now booked an escort. This has helped to fuel the rise in single males feeling much happier and better about the choice a single lad has in London. Looking for an escort then visit Lucy Bond www.lucybond.com.

Somehow, her “let’s” has a funny singular ring to it and we had, if I remember correctly, a double ring wedding ceremony. Hers is on her left ring finger while mine somehow ended up in my nose.

For some reason spring brings to women, wives in particular, an uncontrollable urge to clean something. It doesn’t matter what that something is, it has to be cleaned. Moreover, it does not matter how clean or dirty that something is or when it was last cleaned, it must be cleaned again.

This represents a basic philosophical difference between men and women. In the beginning, man was perfectly at home with dirt, then along came Eve and introduced spring-cleaning.

We have no idea how long it was between Adam and the time Eve came onto the scene, but it was long enough to get the entire Garden of Eden dirty, necessitating a thorough cleaning.

Thus began the yearly ritual known as spring-cleaning. This tradition has been handed down from mother to daughter since the beginning of time. As far as I can ascertain, no father on record has handed down to his son any way of putting a stop to this nonsense. And don’t think I’m not just a little upset about that.

I think our forefathers could have found a fifth father to help come up with a workable plan to get rid of this yearly onus.

But, it is spring and the time-honored ritual has come to our domestic den. Spring is in the air and spring-cleaning is on the agenda. I, on the other hand, had other plans, which did not include soap and water. So much for my plans. A husband’s plan is always subject to his wife’s rescheduling.

Every year I asked the same question. How in the world does spring get so dirty? And, more important, why do I have to clean it? I didn’t mess it up.

I believe Mother Nature ought to clean her own spring and not push this responsibility onto husbands like me who have better things to do with their time.

One year I got confused and cleaned my spring in the fall, which screwed up my whole winter wondering what I would do when spring actually arrived and it was already cleaned.

Spring-cleaning would not be so bad if I could use my definition of clean rather than my wife’s. One man’s clean is his wife’s “when are you going to clean that?”

At the least, it would be helpful if spring-cleaning only came on leap year, which would give me an opportunity to hop out of the way before my good wife could spring into action.

In our house, the annual spring cleaning focuses on the garage. When my wife gets it into her head to clean the garage, I get it into my head to get clean out of her way. In the scheme of things, how important is a clean garage anyway? It’s not as if Martha Stewart is going to make a surprise visit.

As a veteran husband (with the scars to prove it), I have discovered one thing in my house. Behold, a greater than Martha Stewart lives at my lodgings.

My philosophy is simply, a dirty garage is a happy garage. It just doesn’t make my wife happy and when she’s not happy neither am I so I am willing to live with an unhappy garage. These are the compromises enabling husbands to survive generation after generation. At least, enabling this husband to survive spring-cleaning one more year.

I have no idea what my garage does during the winter to get so dirty, but I wish it would stop it, or at least clean up after itself and not cause me so much grief.

When the idea of spring-cleaning comes up, I take one gander at the object of the endeavor and try to duck out as quickly as possible. I usually run into my wife standing at the door and realize my goose is cooked, usually to a nice golden burnt.

My idea of cleaning the garage is opening the garage door and the back door and let nature take its course. However, when I suggest this, an ill wind blows my way, if you know what I mean.

Garage cleaning invariably leads to garage sales. Garage sales are amazing.

Instead of donating my worthless junk to the neighborhood dump, I sell it to my neighbors, who will put it in their garage sale next year. This keeps neighborhood junk in circulation for years, and then some antique dealer buys it and starts the whole cycle again in New York City.

One man’s junk is another man’s antique.

My wife insists cleanliness is next to godliness. If that is so, why did God create so much dirt?

God is also in the cleaning business and you can be sure His is the ultimate leaving nothing unclean.

The Apostle Paul explains, “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.” (Titus 3:5 KJV.)

When God says, “Let’s clean out your life today,” trust Him to do a thorough job.

James L. Snyder is an award winning author and popular columnist living with his wife, Martha, in Ocala, Florida and can be contacted at jamessnyder2@att.net

Now, I’m a simple guy. I try to abide by the aptly named ‘Occam’s razor’ principle of science, which basically says that the simpler things are, the better. Now I find myself wondering just how many blades Occam’s razor had.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the evolution of manual razors seems to be roughly following the same path as home stereo equipment. In the fifties, you had a razor with just one blade, just as you had a transistor radio with that one tinny-sounding speaker. Then came the invention of stereo, and the two bladed razor was born. Two speakers and a subwoofer, three blades. Quadrophonic sound, four blades. Now we are up to Dolby 5.1 surround sound and a razor with an incredible five blades on one side and one on the other. That’s right, there are now so many blades on your razor that they can’t even fit them all on the same side.

Where will it end? Is there a theoretical limit on the number of blades one razor can support? I, for one, believe that we are very close to the blade event horizon. Critical mass has almost been reached. It used to be that I would occasionally give myself a slight nick while shaving. One false move now and I’ll be getting tips from Michael Jackson on which nose to buy.

Perhaps the razor companies just don’t understand the concept. Maybe someone needs to tell them that we are just trying to take the hair off of our faces, not make julienne potatoes for a society luncheon while we shower. It’s only a matter of time before someone comes out with a razor that has one blade for every hair follicle on your face, so you can shave with just one stroke and then spend the rest of the morning trying to find your lips.

No more, I say. It’s time to release myself from the tyranny of blades. This morning I gave myself a clean , comfortable shave without using any blades at all.

Now I just need a new string for my weed whacker.

Ian McCarthy is the author of The Science of Wit, a 100 page ebook that contains a proven formula you can use to transform your personality from shy or even boring into the witty and funny person you were meant to be!

Learn more at: www.scienceofwit.com

The grandchild got a puppy last week. A cute, little untrained puppy. Now I have to be careful where I step walking through the house. It was bad enough when I had to get a pooper scooper for my lawn. But for the living room? Training Fido has become a family project. Cleaning up Fido’s accidents seems to be my field of expertise. Conveniently no one notices or seems to be around at these critical times. Last year I inherited the job of cleaning the parakeet cage. Next I fed the bird and changed his water. He won’t even sit on my finger. Ungrateful bird! I suspect Fido is leaning toward this sort of behavior. He barks at me every time I come home but if I’m in the kitchen cooking, his attitude is completely different. What’s wrong with goldfish? They make such nice pets. They stay put; swim around in circles and have short life spans. By the time the newness wears off, they die.

Personally I’ve always wanted a miniature horse. They will mow and fertilize the yard and are a nice size. They don’t need a big barn and they are cute. If you change your mind, they have resale value. (signed practical Granny)

Granny Marge has just published her second humor book, Granny’s Journal. She is a library director in a small town in the Northwest and turned 62 this year. She forgets a lot so if she repeats herself, please forgive her.

Paddy was with his mates in a bar in his local village. Jaysus lads says Paddy, the wife is pregnant again. And sure you already have 8 wee ones say Mickey. I’ll bloody well hang myself if this happens again says Paddy.

Sure enough less than 12 months later Paddy’s missus breaks the news that she’s expecting again.

You said you’d hang yourself if this happened again Paddy says one of his palls. I did surely says Paddy. I bought the rope, tied a noose on it, threw it over the tree and was ready to do away with myself when I suddenly thought-Jaysus, maybe I’m hanging the wrong man.

Mick and Paddy were walking down Kings Road in London. It was their first week in London and they were a bit nave.

Lord above Paddy this is a great city says Mick. Why’s that Mick says Paddy. Well explains Mick-where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house.

My God says Paddy did that happen to you? No says Mick but it happens to my sister all the time.

Paddy was sitting at the bar with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
Does your dog bite asks Mick
No says Paddy.
So Mick patted the dog who almost ripped his arm completely off.
Jaysus Paddy screamed Mick-you said your dog didn’t bite.
That’s not my dog Mick replied Paddy.

Dara Ward is first and foremost Irish. He also operates a large number of Irish Travel sites that offer over 9000 holiday properties in Ireland. See Accommodation in Ireland He also runs Hotels in Dublin for anyone thinking of coming to Ireland to experience Irish wit first hand.

As a matter of fact I saw him yesterday. As he finally got his fake IDs and he is now the assistant manager at McDonalds, but his 12 disciples still work at the local car wash I am told. I know he still works at McDonalds because he threw me out for food fighting yesterday morning. I agued with him because that egg mc Muffin tasted more like rubber than food, so I am not sure I was food fighting, so then I saw his name tag and said “Oh Crap its Jesus” I stopped arguing in Spanish and left, I think I may still get into heaven? What do you think? Never argue with Jesus!

I just wanted to go back and tell Jesus that it was not really food fighting, in fact it takes two to fight and the guy I hit as a Frisbeed my egg mc Muffin paddy, never threw anything back at me? So, that was not actually a food fight you see? So I called McDonalds Corporate to complain and they said I could not go back anymore to that location, not even the drive thru. I inquired about dressing as a little kid and going into the PlayPlace but they said I am too tall now? So, I am now worried when I get to heaven if Jesus will throw me out again? What do you think?

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

With five hundred descendants.

And God help the world if that was the case. One of me is enough.

When you lust all the time, let’s face it, even for the luckiest of us, Brad Pitt for example. I don’t care who you are, there’s only limited opportunities to expunge it.

But it has to be expelled somehow.

This has led to some extremely embarrassing moments. My parents, like most parents of the Baby Boom generation, taught me shame of the human body and sexuality….even though they had me, and my sister.

I got my first orgasm doing chin-ups on a glass shower stall.

No joke!

I had been feeling queer lately (odd, not gay). I was sixteen. Or maybe, fourteen. What else do you do with your spare time when you’re fourteen in 1964…except chin-ups? Like every day in P.E.

I decided to do a little exercise in the shower. So I did chin-ups flat up against a glass shower door (gripping a metal bar overhead). My developing male organ was, how can I put it delicately, making up and down contact with the glass.

Suddenly, I felt very good. The best I’d ever felt in my life to be exact. Gee! I said. These chin-ups sure are certainly pleasant today for some reason. I wonder why? Like, it’s the easiest set of chin-ups I’ve ever done.

I just, can’t seem to stop doing them.

Oh, this is great. I’ve just set my own personal best record for doing chin-ups. Why is it I don’t feel tired? Why is it I can do so many of these? Am I superman? What’s going on?

And then, powww!

“Wow!” I shouted. “What is that?”

The rest is history.

Suddenly, to no great surprise, chin-ups became my favorite sport. Chin-ups in the shower. Not regular outside chin-ups. I started taking five showers a day. I had never in my life been so clean.

My parents were puzzled.

I became a chin-up swinger, a lothario, a clean-freak nymphomaniac.

“I think I’ll take a shower,” I told my mother.

“You just took one two hours ago,” she would say. “Okay. What’s going on?”

Sex is like a narcotic. The more you do it, the more you want, and you have to expand, enlarge the experience. I decided to move up a notch and to start the action this time with a sexy costume, the only one I had at the time…my PE jockstrap.

Like a stripper, I would remove this after a few chin-ups…and…you know the rest.

I was doing the first set of chin-ups, the hot water running, really getting into it…and the door burst open and my parents came storming in (this was before drug problems with teens).

I was caught red-handed…or rather..hand over head.

I could have easily told them, “hey! I’m practicing for the Olympic Games.”

It wouldn’t have worked. Whatever you do when you’re fourteen, they assume it’s dirty.

They’re right.

But they couldn’t stop me from taking showers.

The sessions continued.

© Copyright 2006 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at http://www.Sammonsays.com

The applications have been devised and developed by the world renowned Pevensey Bay Institute for Telecommunications Research in East Sussex, England, helped by prominent Professor Heinz Siebenundfnfzig of the nearby Polegate Institute for Population Studies (annexe), near Eastbourne.

The Institute’s Director, Professor Marc O’Nee, revealed that researchers were determined to solve some of modern life’s most frustrating problems and, in so doing, found that these were, in fact, closely interrelated.

Following months of research in which several of the scientists lived with ordinary members of the public and observed the daily challenges they faced, a remarkably consistent and integrated set of user needs was established.

The new applications were then developed by separate teams working under the direction of the Institute’s head of Product Realisation, the Italian Dr. Salvatore Centotredici, expertly assisted by his American counterpart, originally from Naples, Professor Niccol Novecentoundici.

Following an invitation by Dr. O’Nee, I spent a day at the Institute seeing how the applications worked individually and when integrated. The remote and somewhat forbidding establishment stands in its own grounds, surrounded by high walls covered in barbed wire. Access is gained only after top level security clearance and the signature of a personal injury disclaimer (well, this is experimental).

I was escorted through the building by two monosyllabic, burly young men in white coats, whom I took to be postgraduate students. The huge product testing area, several hectares in size, is itself constantly observed by what appeared to be other scientists in white coats.

The applications were demonstrated to me individually in the following order.

1. “The Pherophone”

Dr. Centotredici explained, “Modern life is so hectic and people often have to move town for work. As a result romantic attachments can be difficult to form, whatever one’s inclinations. Our team wondered how it could help Cupid’s arrows on their way.”

Based on the function of pheromones, the Pherophone detects when another person emits an airborne chemical message, signalling sexual attraction to the user’s mobile handset.

Just as with music or pictures, smells can be analysed, encoded and stored digitally. In this case, the owner’s own pheromone signature, or smell, is initially stored digitally on his or her handset.

Using a discrete attachment that looks strikingly like a pair of tiny nostrils attached to the side of the phone, the hardware and software can detect whether the person standing nearest the phone will be romantically compatible with the owner.

Various grades of attraction can be depicted using text or pictures. For example, the strongest favourable match results in the display on screen of pictures of trains going through tunnels and of rockets exploding.

Conversely the detection of an incompatible stranger causes a picture to be displayed of a divorce hearing and an estimate indicating the eventual financial cost to the user of such a relationship. This can be adjusted using global positioning satellite technology to local currency.

Sound alerts are under review as they can cause problems. For example, loud ring tones playing Verdi’s “La donna mobile” (favourable) or Elton John’s “The bitch is back” (unfavourable) have met with “user resistance” after several violent incidents.

The Pherophone, in fact, does not evaluate physical appearance, only smell, so has to be used with judgement. A more worrying aspect is that, unlike people, the current version does not distinguish between human and animal smells - a fact only discovered during a recent field trip to Wales by one of the single male researchers.

However, the Pherophone does have other uses. It is able, for example, to provide busy executives with a foolproof method of detecting one’s own bad breath before that vital meeting.

The user just breathes in to the tiny plastic nostrils on the side of the device and appropriate images indicating the level of bad breath are displayed. These images range from a dead donkey, indicating terminal halitosis, to a picture of a smiling patient giving a thumbs-up sign after supposedly having received mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from the owner of the phone.

“The Pherophone spells the end for all dating agencies, speed-dating functions, personal advertisements in newspapers and associated web sites”, claimed the Doctor. Possibly.

However, it could also prevent the misinterpretation of other subtle hints and signals I have experienced, as when a lady responds to amorous advances with a firm slap across the face, or with an expression not unlike that shown when sucking a fresh lemon.

2. “The Fearophone”

This application resulted from a misunderstanding on the telephone between the Italian team developing the Pherophone and the Irish Director of the Institute, Dr. Marc O’Nee.

The Director thought the application was intended to detect the level of fear caused to the owner by the nearest stranger. He thought it such a wonderful idea that he tasked a separate development team to work independently to devise a solution by another route should the Italian team have been late (however unlikely that may have been). Thus by accident an entirely new device was created.

Again the phone initially stores data about the owner’s own level of fierceness, physical strength and combativeness. These are given identities, ranging from “Day-old kitten and the runt of the litter at that” to “Genghis Khan”.

The device is then aimed at a nearby stranger to check the level of threat posed and then relevant pictures and text are displayed.

Pointed at various researchers, the device strangely indicated Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”. Reassuringly an image of Bambi also appeared and a video of the shower scene in Hitchcock’s “Psycho”, accompanied by text reading “Run for the hills now and don’t look back!”. The researchers explained this away, somewhat uncomfortably I felt, by saying that testing was “ongoing” and that calibration of the device was not perfect.

At times, apparently due to software conflicts, confusing images of a train travelling through a shower or Bambi standing in a divorce court were displayed, but these were being resolved.

If you think that mobile phone users often miss important events by constantly staring at their phones as if sleep-walking, bear that in mind with this device as there is a slight delay between the detection of the level of danger posed and its depiction on screen. Hence, when threatened with an axe by one of the researchers, all in the spirit of experiment, I was assured, I had to shout, “Hang on, the picture’s just appearing. Ah yes! ‘Psycho-killer’ Excellent! It works”, just as the axe was falling.

The Fearophone’s functionality may be disabled in large companies, as it would quickly identify and resolve all issues of office politics, rendering office life terminally dull and dispensing with the average 37.44% of all work time currently occupied by inter-departmental rivalry.

The next two applications depend on the use of Radio Frequency Identification Device (RFID) tags embedded in everyday objects.

3. “The Styleophone”

Not to be confused with the late 70s “musical” instrument for children, the “Stylophone”.

Researchers noted that lateness for work and missing trains could be reduced for both men and women by 44.74% precisely (a strange, but true, coincidence) by being able quickly to find socks that match and, by extension, entire outfits that look good, especially on those dark winter mornings.

Other benefits would accrue, such as securing that great new job through improved personal appearance, or simply not being laughed at by unkind strangers for an unfortunate combination of colours and textures. (For some reason this last seemed particularly important to the research teams.)

Users could also more readily preserve the will to live by never again having to watch television programmes presented by two vacuous snobs giving “advice” on what not to wear to yet more vapid and unfortunate members of the public.

With this application, pictures of the owner’s face and body, in addition to details of gender, age and weight, are stored in the phone, while RFID tags are stitched in to all the owner’s clothes. As all clothes will shortly carry RFID tags at the point of manufacture to assist stock tracking this will not be an issue in the future.

Several “looks” or preferred appearances are available, from “Work: male, formal”, through “Mutton dressed as lamb” (also known north of Watford as “She’s nowt better than she should be”), to “Trailer trash”. It is also possible to set alternative years in the past.

Thus, one can select, “American male, 1968, full Woodstock”, or “The Singing Nun, 1965″, both favoured at fancy dress parties, or for people about to become rock stars or for those starting a vocation.

The system then uses the RFID tags in the clothes to alert the user when an appropriate garment is located in the owner’s wardrobe (including wigs). This uses proprietary “greentooth” technology developed by Professor Giuseppe Aldenteverdi.

A GPS facility establishes country settings for national dress automatically and suggests closest possible alternatives. While options are limited in certain parts of the world by the range of clothes from which to choose, the application certainly detected the unfortunate clash between my green gabardine left sock and my Campbell tartan right sock - I had had an early start.

4. “The Sod-uphone”

This application addresses a wide range of situations that make modern life stressful when the worst possible thing happens at the worst possible time, also known as “Sod’s Law” (U.S. “Murphy’s Law” and the related U.S device, the “Murph-uphone”).

This application was originally devised by researchers to act in conjunction with pieces of toast to prevent them falling buttered side down, which is a cause of immense irritation and waste of time for people.

In this case, RFID tags were placed in the bread before toasting. After toasting and buttering, the slices of bread were knocked off the laboratory’s work surfaces as nonchalantly and accidentally as possible to simulate conditions they had witnessed in the field.

In mid-flight a “Sod-u” button on the phone is pressed (next to the mute button) and by activating the RFID tag embedded in the toast through a powerful burst of radioactive energy (plutonium-based), the toast always lands buttered side up. Fantastic!

Admittedly the RFID tags are a bit crunchy when eaten and it is best to set the toaster down a notch or two, as the plutonium quickly adds a shade of darkness when the “Sod-u” button is pressed, but otherwise this worked really well, though I did feel somewhat sunburned after a few tests.

The Sod-u application also detects when the owner of the phone is in the bath and automatically invokes call divert to voice mail, initiating the recorded message with, “Sod-u. User in bath. Please call back later”.

Similarly, when the phone’s owner is at the beginning of a romantic evening with a highly compatible partner (as established by the Pherophone) the “Sod-u” button can be used to prevent a drink spilling on to a clean, white shirt by immediately irradiating the drink in mid-fall from the glass.

This does result in the owner wearing a grey shirt, but it definitely cuts cleaning bills and any possible awkwardness is avoided (as long as the romantic couple do not want children).

I certainly did not feel hungry after a few slices of irradiated toast, but my (now-grey) shirt was detected as “incompatible with rest of outfit” by the Styleophone. More on integration later.

5. “The Boppia”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all men over the age of thirty-five become invisible as potential partners to younger women, unless the men are in possession of a good fortune or vast amounts of power, but preferably both.

Unfortunately, however, this does not prevent the more mature among us from occasionally overindulging in alcohol at weddings and behaving inappropriately as a result, as this reporter is all too aware.

Hence “The Boppia” is designed to avoid the embarrassment caused by uncles to nephews and nieces at weddings when the older members of the party throw themselves around the floor like hand puppets attached to bungee jumping ropes, under the illusion that they are “cool” or “sexy”.

The device is somewhat stringent in operation. Beginning with 50 volts, it supplies electric shocks of steadily increasing intensity to the owner when a certain level of inebriation is detected by the tiny pair of nostrils mentioned in “The Pherophone” application above.

This works in conjunction with the Boppia’s “Prat-o-meter” device (patent pending) that measures the level of uncoordinated and joint-threatening lateral movement made by the owner, while leering inappropriately at much younger female relatives and friends.

It was no hardship for this reporter to test the Boppia, as the consumption of some alcohol was welcome during such an intensive day. It is not a mark of pride for me to say that I reached 550 volts before being forcibly restrained by the postgraduate students who had originally escorted me to the laboratories.

Possible retail opportunities include wedding planners, company Christmas parties and football clubs.

Device Integration

This has proved to be the most challenging task for researchers. While the applications work well individually, it has proved troublesome to ensure safe and predictable integration and, of course, we should never blame the operating system.

It must be admitted that when ten handsets loaded with all five applications were tested simultaneously, the following sights were observed:

- pieces of toast got stuck on a pair of purple flared trousers, as this was deemed “haute couture” by the Stylophone;

- the nearest piece of toast was described by a user’s Pherophone thus, “Marry this woman! She is hot, hot, hot!”.

- a drunken wedding uncle was addressed loudly with the following audio alert from another device, “Bambi, you are a psycho-killer, get away from me and use an exploding train!”;

- an errant sock attached itself most unexpectedly and uncomfortably to the naked appendage of a male researcher;

- a potential romantic partner was zapped by the Sod-uphone’s plutonium-based rays for having industrial-strength halitosis.

As I left the Institute and the researchers returned to their very comfortable rooms, where the walls, by the way, are covered in thick and luxuriously soft fabric, I did feel somewhat disappointed about the level of integration achieved by the new applications.

However, at the very least the phone devices now contain all of the owner’s physical, temperamental and emotional details. Progress indeed!

Testing is ongoing.

New Mobile Applications Shock Market

© Alex MacCaskill November 2005

Please see:

http://www.indefinitearticles.co.uk

I have been trying to find a good job for the past year via newspapers, websites, job-site boards and so on with no luck. Yet I have been ignorantly deleting the contents of my bulk-email folder on an everyday basis. What the hell was I thinking? This is a gold mine! And this is just one day’s worth of stuff. Could you imagine how much can be made just by responding to a few these offers every day? I am no mathematician capable of building a reliable arithmetic progression. But if I click on the guaranteed cash-generating emails that come in daily for about six months, I should wind up at least as rich as Bill Gates, Mark Cuban, Donald Trump and several major banking institutions combined by the end of 2006. Yahoo!

Finally, I am going to be a hammer instead of a nail. I cannot get over how easy it is to do all this. Folk who refer to their bulk-mail folders as worthless, junk emails are crazy! But hey, yesterday I was just as naive as them.

And making money is not the only thing my bulk-email folder is good for. Did you know that you can expand your social life too? I also found that there are ladies out there dying to meet me. It makes sense if you think about it rationally for a moment. Rich guys always get the ladies. Since smart ladies know that guys who respond to emails from their bulk-email folder usually are rich. So they are just trying to hookup with the cream of the crop.

It is unbelievable how friendly these ladies can be. Some are offering to have sex with you on the first encounter. If I didn’t know better, I would think they were lying. But I get too many of these emails every day that even if only half of the women are being honest, that gives me about 10 chances a day to meet someone new. It won’t be long before I will know more women than I can handle. Many of these women are so friendly that they want to send me a video. Some even have websites. I guess that is so you recognize them when you meet. Many of the ladies also want to introduce their friends to me. Many of them must live in humid, hot climates, because they talk about things like being hot, steamy or moist. I am not so sure they are very smart either. A lot of them don’t know how to spell the word “come” correctly. But I am not going to be judgmental. It is best to meet someone first before jumping to conclusions. I know a lot of smart people, such as engineers, scientist and plumbers, who do not write well either. Even if it turns out that these women aren’t that smart, it is okay with me. I can still enjoy their companionship.

Maybe I should be more discreet about my new discoveries? But there is no reason not to share this, because with all the opportunities contained in these bulk-email folders every day, there is plenty to go around for everyone. I am so happy that I looked. Yahoo!